No Gifts!
Why didn’t Avraham accept the kever offered him by the people of Ches, instead of insisting to buy it?
The kinderlach suggested that a gift can be regretted and taken back, a sale cannot. Avraham wanted to be sure the grave stayed his own, so he bought it. Nor did he need to be beholden to the people who gave him the gift. He preferred paying his way because it was safer.
We suggested that one does not accept gifts he can do without. Avraham did not want the kever for free when he could afford to pay for it. He despised freebies, because its wrong to help yourself to someone else’s money when you can make do.
This consciousness has deteriorated today; we must embody it, and pass this value to our children!
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Heavy???
When Eliezer met Rivka he put a nose-ring on her nose, and bracelets on her hand. The Torah tells us that they weighed 10 golden coins. In dead weight, that represents many pounds. Where was Eliezer’s decency – asking a child like that carry such a weight!? The answer: It was solid gold, given as a gift to her! The heavier, the better!
So too, Mitzvos do weigh a lot at times. But they are solid gold, and they are a gift to us. The heavier, the better!! (Rav Zundel Salanter zt”l, R’ Yisroel Salanter’s Rebbe)
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Wear Someone Else’s Moccasins
Eliezer asked Rivkah if her parents had place in her house to sleep. She answered that “they have straw and fodder, and place to sleep too”. He had never asked her for straw – why did she mention it?
One suggestion was that some people offer help, without really considering what it may entail. They say “Sure, I’ll help you. Call me any time!”. When the person does call, however, they discover that they have conflicting engagements, and cannot deliver on their offer. They offer a loan or promise financial aid, but then at pay time they cannot keep their commitment. Rivkah, on the other hand, detailed what she included in her offer. Her hospitality was circumspect, taking into account the practical realities entailed. She was sure to do what she promised!
A second point is that Rivkah was sensitive to his needs. She heard his request for a place to sleep, and figured out that he probably has no straw fodder either. So she offered that too. She thought about him, not merely responded to his spoken request.
Sometimes we need figure what our fellowman needs. A stranger comes into shul, and looks around, unsure. Please show him an empty seat. Otherwise, he will not know where to sit, and although he may chance it and sit somewhere, he will be nervous that the seat’s owner will show up. After davvening, tell him where he can eat in town. He doesn’t know which restaurant has the best food or prices. Help him choose what is best for him. If a guest comes into the house, we can show him the bathroom: he may be uncomfortable asking for the restroom.
Put yourself in the other guy’s moccasins!
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The Charan Complex
Avraham asked that Eliezer not take Yitzchak a wife from Canaan. And that he try for Charan. Why did Avraham wanted a wife specifically from Charan: wasn’t it enough that she wasn’t Cannanite?
Rabbi Hirsch suggests that although people of that age paid Mohar, – a bride-price, (as Sh’chem offered to pay a bride-price for Dina, and Avraham was given riches in exchange for Sarah) – this was not the practice in Charan. Paying for a bride means that the wife is a possession of the husband, like a servant or maid, and is – accordingly – paid for. Truth is, that it’s huge insult. Even fourteen years after the fact, Rachel and Leah were still hurt, complaining ‘For we are like strangers to our father; He SOLD us!’.
Eliezer gave expensive gifts to Rikah, but merely some rugalach to Lavan, and nothing at all to her father, Nachor. It was considered brutish to give money to the family of the bride in Charan, for a wife is not a possession. In Charan a wife was a life partner, and had no price tag. In fact, payment was an affront.
Perhaps this was part of Avraham’s specification in taking a Charan girl; he sought someone who would be matriarch to klal Yisroel, not a maidservant to Yitzchak. He needed someone with self worth – only a girl from Charan.
The greatest gift we can give our children is their self concept as worthwhile!
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Ours
Why didn’t Avraham buy a burial plot for Sarah BEFORE he needed one, instead of bargaining under duress? Despite having heard that his children will be slaves in another land, Avraham hoped this negative prophecy was abandoned, and instead he and his children would dwell securely in Eretz Yisroel. We see this clearly in the reply he gave when Eliezer suggested that Yitzchak return to Charan to marry; Avraham said “Hashem who has taken me away from there and brought me here and has promised to give me this land, He will help you find a bride for Yitzchak” The meaning seems clear; the fulfillment of the Jews’ destiny to live in the Holy Land is being actualized and realized – Hashem has taken me to here, and already promised me this land for keeps – and you want Yitzchak to settle out of Eretz Yisroel?! Avraham believed that in a matter of days, perhaps, all of Israel will be his. Why spend money on a burial plot??
This is a Jewish attitude: always consider that you will soon be permanently living in Eretz Yisroel in your calculations. Give much weight to that possibility.
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Make Haste, Make Haste!
Eliezer told Lavan and Besuel ‘Do not delay! Hashem has made my path
successful – send me to go to my master’. Why the haste?
Perhaps he feared they would change their minds or ask for more money, therefore he pressed the issue, that it be done and over quickly. The Gemarah in Bava Kama 80 teaches: ‘When a door closes, it will not open quickly’. I.e. opportunity knocks once. It may not come again. One strikes while the iron is yet hot.
One would think these are not Jewish views; we think that something bashert will happen no matter what. But things are not that simple. If things are working out today, try finishing it all. Tomorrow may not be as providential. That’s what Eliezer meant: Hashem has blessed my trip today – delaying can spell failure.
I think this is something we need to use in life.
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Be Great, Be Humble
Eliezer asked Avraham ‘What if the woman wants to stay in Charan. Should I return Yitzchak there?’ Avrah answered ‘Hashem, G-d of the heavens, – who took me from my ancestral homeland, who promised me this land to my descendants, – He will send His angel before you and succeed your finding Yitzchak a wife from there’. In other words: ‘Hashem’s Masterplan of giving me this land is being realized; He certainly will continue by finding a wife for Yitzchak to settle here’.
Fascinatingly, Eliezer recounted the conversation differently to Lavan and Besuel: ‘And I asked him “Perhaps the woman will not come with me?” And he answered me “Hashem, before whom I have walked, will send His messenger with you and succeed your quest – taking a wife for my son from my family”‘
Rashi in Noach comments that Noach was said to walk ‘with Hashem’ while Avraham is spoken of as walking ‘before Hashem’. He explains that Noach needed Hashem’s helping hand, but Avraham strode on his own. So this statement – ‘Hashem, who I have walked before Him’ – means that inasmuch as I have done much for Him, He will reciprocate with His assistance.
There is vast distance between Avraham’s own statement – Hashem who is fulfilling His plan will continue to do so – and Eliezer’s – Hashem will surely repay me for all I have done Him. It seems to us that Avraham could never have said such a statement as Eliezer did. He felt that Hashem owed him nothing. It was his great merit to be able to serve Hashem. He needed to be thankful at being granted such a meaningful life! However his disciple and chassid, Eliezer, looked at it differently: Who else is as deserving as Avraham? Isn’t Hashem obliged to him??
Perhaps that is how it ought to be: the tzaddik sees himself small, but we outsiders dare not view him so. To us even Hashem is beholden to the tzaddik!
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Big Families
Avraham took a wife at age 140+. Why? Was it for companionship and help?
The gemara teaches that he wished to have and raise more children. Non-Jewish children, by the way. The point is that our world is a people world. People are what counts – money’s only value is in making people’s lives better. People are value, people count.
(Does this mean that we swear off population planning? Not necessarily, People need to live productive lives, and overcrowded slums filled with people struggling for existence do not produce. Life is precious, for what opportunity it represents. Not in of itself.)
When we see a big family, we see big value. To us, it’s like seeing a billionaire. And just as some billionaires may be a tad neglectful of their relationships, so too may some families fall behind financially. That is sad. something to avoid. However, let it not blind us from the big picture, though, that of valuing a big family.
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Gut Feelings
When Eliezer spoke of the amazing synchronicity how Rivka appeared as soon as he prayed for a sign, Lavan and Besuel replied ‘Hashem has ordained this – we cannot say good or bad. Rivka is before you, take her and go!’ Yet the very next morning they prevaricated, suggesting that Rivka prepare a year for marriage, or at least wait some time. What had happened?
Lavan and Besuel represent unprincipled people. They are emotion driven, not value driven. They change position from moment to moment, switching around easily. They are full of regrets and frustrations because they lament tomorrow what they choose today. When duly impressed, they exclaim the unstoppable will of G-d. Tomorrow they think about their bank account, and have second thoughts.
They illustrate the wrong path to decision, the one to avoid. Choose, rather, and decide, based on values, so that your decisions will endure.
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Were You Invited?
Eliezer: “Do you have place in our father’s house for us to sleep?” Rivka answered “Straw and feed are plentiful at our place too, and a place to sleep as well”. Sounds like all goes well. Yet we find Eliezer waiting at the well even after Rivka runs home, until Lavan says to him “Come, ye blessed of G-d, why stand outside….?”.
Why? For just because someone tells you that his house/time/money is available does not mean you are invited…